Wednesday, 18 November 2009

please can you vote for my little girl in the NEXT competition

please clock on this link to vote for her to be a model for next thanks xx

Friday, 2 October 2009

Not sure where I am right now...

Sorry I haven't written for along time. The past few months have had two different stories - one of which is me beating anxiety and pushing my boundaries and the other is me feeling really low and having no motivation.

Good stories such as driving to different places with my children just to take the dog out to play fetch. The most I drove was around 18 miles to a big town :-) Bloody hell! That felt good at the time.

Walked down two streets in Clifton in Bristol with my friend Lorraine, and actually started my Christmas shopping.

Then the bad parts have been feeling really low and no motivation.

I haven't driven far for about 6 weeks or something. A couple of times when I felt up to fighting my demons of anxiety I drove to my local shop which took about 10 seconds in the car, to mainly buy junk food to make me feel better.

Or the other time I drove to the same shop and bought all healthy food as I was ready to turn my life around and start on a new healthy diet rather than eating crap everyday.

At the minute.. I'm feeling really down. And I know that I have been here before. but the anxiety that's in my head is really scary, and I just wish it would pass..

Will write soon Marie x

Thursday, 30 April 2009

Happy Wedding Anniversary - 3 years and going strong!

It was Robert and my 3 years wedding anniversary yesterday. We didn't do anything special. It would have nice to have gone out for dinner in the evening to one our favourite restaurants. We haven't been in some of them for a few years 'cos my anxiety got a lot worse, but now we can go there again. We were missing one thing - a baby sitter :-(

Maybe we will go another time and celebrate our marriage together in style ;-)

Wednesday, 29 April 2009

My Trip to Lynn's house

After setting off on the road to Scotland, I was buzzing with excitement but at the same time feeling very anxious about driving so far from home. I tried not to think about the drive as a whole and started thinking about the places along the way. The first city was going to be Bristol which is over an hour from home. Sometimes thinking this way helps a great deal and I became very settled in myself. Other times I had visions of me just screaming and having a panic attack that would never end and being taken into a mental hospital...not exactly a pleasant thought.

Through most of the journey I was able to kick these negative thoughts aside and started to concentrate on why I was making this trip, The reason was to meet my friend Lynn that I met on the internet over two years ago. Most of the time this thought made me smile and I couldn't wait until I was going to meet Lynn face to face and give her a hug.

The negative side of me was thinking, what if she doesn't like me? What if we don't get on?
etc. etc.. So my heart started to pound with all these thoughts buzzing round my head.

Apart from my anxious thoughts about being away from home I also had to deal with driving on the motorway. I hadn't really done this before, apart from 5 minutes here and there on occasional journeys with Robert. Robert nearly always does the driving everywhere we go.

The things I hate about motorways are-

  1. lots of cars going fast

  2. sometimes no hard shoulder

  3. a very wide road - sometimes 4 or 5 lanes

  4. If you don't want to get stuck behind big lorries you have to overtake them.

  5. You cant just drive off the moterway straight away

You can see that I had to deal with quite a bit from my anxious thoughts telling me that things are not safe. Even so, I kept on driving and the negative thoughts became less and less and I started to actually enjoy driving on the motorway overtaking large lorries and anything else that I had to overtake on the way. With my music playing lo

ud and Robert in the passenger seat with his swollen foot on the dashboard. passing me sweets and drinks when I needed them, it was like being treated like the queen – well, apart from she has her own chauffeur.

The journey from home to Lynn's house near Glasgow was about 9 hours as we stopped at a few service stations on the motorway. In total it was 430 miles give or take. So I was looking at the mileometer quite a bit. It was like watching paint dry, ha-ha. When th

e mileometer said 300 miles, I got rather excited as it was only 130 miles to go and didn't seem long after driving 300 miles beforehand.

When we had 70 miles left to do, Robert offered to take over driving as he said I looked tired and we already driven over the Scottish border. I was so pleased to let him drive

and sit and relax in the passenger side. I was ringing Lynn up every 5 minutes, screaming down the phone, telling her about every landmark etc. on the way. Poor girl, she must have thought she had a nutter coming to stay with her!

When we finally got to Lynn's town, it was 11:30pm and the sat nav in the car showed the little flag on the map to show we would be at Lynn's road in like less than 300

yards or so. At this time I felt like I was going to be sick with anxiety and excitement all in the same tummy with butterflies added. With a quick sip of my juice to make me feel less anxious, I grabbed my bag, ready to jump out of the car for when we reached Lynn's


We pulled into Lynn's road and I recognised it from all the pics and videos sh

e sends me. It seemed familiar already, which was quite nice, but also rather strange.

Stood by the house which we pulled up to was a very tall lady with

a big smile on her face. It was Lynn! I nearly screamed with delight when I saw her! Instead I ran up to her and gave her a hug. It was great to actually meet her fa

ce to face. I was shaking like mad but tried not to show it. We grabbed my suitcase and Robert and I went inside her house. I was still shaking like mad and when Lynn made us a cup of tea I had to put it down on the table

as I would have dropped it!

Lynn, Robert and myself

After a little while I settled down and we all chatted for ages. Then we went to bed. ;-)

The next morning at 5am Robert left and went to the Lake district to do his business course at a posh manor hotel. So for the next few days I was without Robert.

Lynn drove me around lots of the places in her town. We went shopping in the little Boots where I bought hair dye as Lynn said she would dye my grey hairs for me (lol). I haven't got lots but I do have some and hate the fact!!

Normally I wouldn't let anyone dye my hair as I can't deal with washing my h

air properly and the fact that the dye would change my hair colour. The thought that I couldn't change it back would normally freak me right out. But I managed to sit whilst Lynn dyed it all and washed it out for me over the bath.. Now I have no grey hairs - whoo hoo :-)

Lynn and I seemed to make a great team together. She was learning to drive and I have had my driving licence for over 3 years so I could go out

in the car with her as she drove me around. Actually she was a very good driver. All the time I was at Lynn's I didn't have much anxiety at all apart from when she tried

to get me to walk from her house one day. I think we walked 27 steps -

not sure – lol.

Lynn and I oustside in her back garden

I think I helped Lynn a little. I went with her to her doctor's surgery. She hadn't been able to go there for 5 years! I stayed in the car and as I saw her go into the building, I was so pleased for her that I cried.

This is Lynn and I playing silly buggers!! haha class x

Lynn lives with her Parents. I didn't get to meet her Dad as he was wor

king away, but I met her mum and she is really nice. I met a few of Lynn's friends and family members - which was great, as I heard a lot about them from her. I met three of Lynn's cousins which

was great fun and a few of her friends. One called Angela has a medium-sized dog called Taz which actually snogged me when he met me (lol). It was yuck!!!

This picture is of Taz just after he snogged me!!!

After a few days at Lynn's, Graham came back. We all had Indian take away at her house before we left. That was a great meal. It was time to leave which I wasn't looking forward to... So we said our goodbyes and I walked down the path to the car. Then I started to cry

. Lynn ran out and hugged me - awww - and said a few sweet words to make me feel better. Then off we went and I was crying for about 10 minutes after as I didn't want to be so far from my new Best Friend.

Our yummy takeaway

Saturday, 11 April 2009

The battle between anxiety and desire

Once upon a time, two young women in their twenties met randomly online.

The two young women were called Marie and Lynn, and the one thing they had in common was that they both suffered from agoraphobia. They got to know each other very well and became very good friends. The thing is, these two girls lived over 400 miles apart - one in south west England the other in west Scotland. The only thing stopped them from meeting each other was anxiety. This didn't stop them from talking each day through MSN and phone calls.

Over two years had passed and by this time they became very close friends. Marie used to wonder if she would ever get to meet Lynn as she lived so far away and 'cos of anxiety they both suffered which just made this rather an ordeal.


Marie's husband Robert had to go on a buisness trip to the Lake District which was about 5 hours' drive away. This gave Marie an idea that maybe she could go and stay with her friend Lynn if her hubby would drive her another 2 or 3 hours further to Glasgow. This meant Robert would have to drive for 2 or 3 hours more one way and drop Marie off at Lynn's and then drive all the way back to the Lake District.

Robert agreed to make the extra drive so Marie could go and stay at her friend, Lynn's house. Marie was very excited by this but also very, very anxious... The idea was fantastic but the anxious thoughts were constant and very negative.

She thought, Could she cope with traveling more than 7 hours from home? What if she had a panic attack so far away from home? Would she go and book into a bed and breakfast and just wait for an ambulance to come and sedate her? Just thinking about being in control of herself that whole time was just a dream at that moment, even though she had been to Scotland quite a few years ago. Then, when she still suffered from anxiety it was a very hard thing to cope with being so far from home. Plus she would be staying with a friend that she hadn't met in a house that she had never stayed in. And without her safe person, her husband, Robert.

The next few weeks leading up to that date where Marie had to decide if she could go on that 7 hour drive to stay with her friend for 4 days without her hubby were very hard, as she had to deal with all the 'what if' thoughts of anxiety about going away. It really was a fight between anxiety and desire.

The weeks flew past and it was just a week to go untill the big day arrived. At this time Marie had tried her best not to think about going to Scotland as this was an easier option as she was getting rather stressed about the whole thing. Part of her decided that she was going and nothing was going to stop her but she still had the constant negative thoughts saying that she couldn't go and that she was out of her mind thinking that she could cope with it.

Marie started looking online to buy a new suitcase and new pyjamas trying to make it all seem exciting so she would stay in positive mode about going away. Sometimes she would cry at night whilst going to sleep knowing it was such a big thing to her to go and meet her friend. And if she could really fight against those negative thoughts she was having, that seemed to be taking over every time she tried to tell herself that she would be able to go.

She finally told herself she was going no matter what. This was about 4 days before the planned date of departure.

And the next day Robert became ill.

The only obvious symptom that he had was a tempature and Marie just took it that it was 'man flu'. But the next morning, when Robert got out of bed and saw that his foot was very swollen his face just dropped 'cos he knew that he had the recurring cellulitis that he has had a few times before. This meant that he had to go on antibiotics straight away which was lucky as the doctor prescribed him an extra lot last time he had it so he could go straight on them next time he had it. Last time Robert had cellulitis he had to keep his foot elevated for over a week and he had high tempatures all time and was sleeping lots 'cos of the pain in his foot and the infection flows through his body causing pain everywhere so not a nice thing to suffer with.

After she knew what was wrong with Robert she felt really upset and she just thought that was Scotland over before it started. She just broke down and cried. Just thinking that all that time she had been fighting with her anxiety about going away and that just as she was starting to cope with the idea of going, it all had been taken away from her as Robert was poorly and it looked like going to Lynn's was cancelled. Marie felt crap as Robert knew she was upset as she was crying and really down so it made him feel very guilty. Marie told him that she knew it wasn't his fault. After a couple of days his foot seemed a lot better and he didn't seem to feel so ill or in so much pain but the fact they would have to drive for over 7 hours meant that the trip still seemed very unlikely. So in her head the trip was still a non-starter.

Robert stayed positive and told Marie that he would take her to Lynn's even though he couldn't make it to his business trip as he couldn't drive all that way and not keep his foot elevated. Then Robert had a really stupid idea and said, "Marie, you could drive to Scotland...."

Marie just looked at him and laughed.

"Yeah right," she said, then a day later they both packed their suitcases and they were going to Scotland and who was going to drive?

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

Me... haha!

Hi Guys! xxxx

I actually drove all the way to Scotland. Hours before the drive I was shitting myself (excuse the French lol). But as I was packing I was going to tell Robert I can't do this but for some reason I didn't and oh! am I glad I didn't back out!

My next post will be all about my trip to Lynn's house....

So watch this space haha....

Wednesday, 1 April 2009

I went driving in my car broom broom!! whoop whoop

Robert was ill today, I think he has man flu bless him haha, so I decided to go and pick Joseph up from school
with Orla as Robert looked like he was going to pass out.

So off we went in the car off down the road, I was thinking shit I'm scared .. But I thought to myself Nope I can do this!!

so I did I drove about 5 mins to the school and picked Joseph up then I saw that they had a few stalls in the school with easter goodies and a raffle, so I asked the kids if they wanted to buy some cakes etc and they didn't say no lol.. So I went looking a proper mummy to the easter stalls, we won an easter egg too that was rather exciting lol, well I dont get out much do I...
We chose lots of easter cakes and went on a few games and the kids had a great time then we went home to show daddy what we won :-)

But one thing that was sad Orla said mummy can you come and see my teachers now, I just had to say that they was all gone home and maybe another day. bless her :-(

Tuesday, 31 March 2009

pushing things I can do

This weekend I stayed on my own at my friend lucys house which is about 2hrs away in Wales, we was chatting on msn on friday night and she asked what I was doing this weekend and I told her I had nothing planned so from there on we made random plans for me to go and stay the next day, Lucy also suffers from anxiety also her agoraphobia side isnt that bad but sometimes she can go on the train to her boyfriends house and then other days she can not cope with the train etc, so her brother met Robert and myself half way as Lucy was to anxious. she will come and stay with me soon sometime It depends how she is feeling at the time. I didn't get to take any photos this time as I forgot to take my camra biggest mistake but I have the memories which I will never forget.

This was a new thing for me to do to go and stay at a friends so far away without Robert or my family so I am very pleased with myself. I have lots of friends all over the uk and other countries I am going to push myself to go and stay with quite a few as I think it will build my confidence up.

I have other plans for this weekend too but wont tell you about that yet as that will be an amazing post :-)