Saturday, 7 March 2009

Tomorrow my husband Robert and our 2 children are off to Disneyland Paris and as for me, I am off to my parents' house in Weymouth.

Am I upset that I am not going? Am I shitting myself about staying so far away from Robert for 6 days? scuba diving in Australia

Yes to all the above forum smileys

I am going to miss seeing those Disney gates with my children.. The ones that open and you enter into the most magical world!!

My Daughter Orla who is 3 she is going to see her most loved princess Cinderella. I'll be missing capturing one of the best photos I will ever take of her when she is still a little girl.

I asked Orla just then, What is she looking forward to the most about going to Disney Land?
She replied- I'm going to go and see Cinderella's Castle.
I asked her if she is sad about Mummy not going with her?
She replied with a hug and a whisper, I will miss you when you are at grandma's.

I asked Joseph the same questions.
He replied, I am looking forward to the rides especially the Runaway Train.
He said, I'll be sad because I'm going to miss mum going on the rides with me.

Same questions to Robert...
What he's most looking forward to is watching the kids having a good time. He's slightly excited about seeing Walt Disney Studios park for the 1st time (he's seen the Disneyland Park twice before).
He said that he always feels sad when something interesting is happening and he can't share it with me. He's sad that I am missing so much of my children's lives. Sometimes he feels lonely without me, even when there are lots of other people around. He will miss me most of all when he is in bed - without me...

My thoughts and feelings about staying at my parents' are-

Having a major panic attack and feeling it wont go away untill Robert gets on that train,boat or plane as fast as he can back to me. And other negative thoughts about me being taken in to hospital over the whole thing.

The good things about staying there will be me spending time with my Mum and Dad, them taking me out everyday. spending a day and evening with my best friend Claire, seeing my sister Kim and my nephew Sachin. Hee is 1 now, but soon will be 2. I may stay over at Kim's house one night, have a take-away and watch a DVD. Last of all, I'll have time to myself to hopefully think positive things, do lots of CBT homework and start on the Linden method. Charles is sending me another pack which will be arriving at my parents' by a courier on Monday. I used to have the Linden Method but as I didn't use it in the few years it was sitting on my bedroom floor. Eventually Robert threw it out.

So the best thing that could happen whilst staying at my parents' would be that I had no anxiety about Robert being away and I keep feeling confident.

There is no broadband at my parents' so I will have to use dial-up to keep in touch with everybody.

Honestly - I'm not looking forward to it at all. scuba diving



Kaci said...

I am sorry that you will have to miss out on going too. :( I know how frustrating and sad that feels, whenever I have to pass up on an experience like that I always get bummed out. But I do hope you have a good time at your parents :)

I don't know if it will help but sometimes I worry about my anxiety not stopping either. But I read somewhere that the chemicals in the body that cause that fight or flight feelings cannot just keep going, they stop after several minutes. It sounded much more professional wherever I read it but I don't remember the exact words.

Feel free to e-mail me if you need another person to talk too! :)

alice said...

i think thats really self-less of you letting them go. anxiety is awful. and its good you have made some positive alternatives when they are away. good luck.

Lynn said...

You are going to be fine! I don't doubt it for a minute. You are stronger than you think, and i ill be just a phone call away x

WesleyG said...

at least you get see see your best friend and all though. And yes, think positive!

rosiero said...

Just think, you won't die while they are away, you won't stop breathing. It's only your mind playing tricks with you.

Your children will reach many more milestones which you will miss unless you continue to make huge leaps in progress. One day you will decide you have had enough of missing out on these milestones and will realise how much of your life you are wasting to the phobia. That's what happened to me and I decided I was not going to let a phobia lick me into submission. I fought it hard and am now much much better for it.

Windvoice said...

I too have anxiety problems and my Grandfather suffered from Agoraphobia. I can really relate to what you go through. When times get tough I feel the weight of the world on my shoulders. I do a variety of things to stay positive; play music, ride my bike, go hiking.. when anxiety onsets I drink Tazo Calm tea, lay off the caffeine, watch Reiki healing videos, play some upbeat soothing happy music. Also did a 50 Mile Bicycle ride in Mexico (25 miles were really steep too!)... on the ride, someone taught me something..they said, say in your head.. "Mind over Matter, if You don't Mind, it doesn't Matter"... and I never got off my bike to walk. After that my life has forever changed. I also have a hard time meditating.. so I found an art form/meditation called Solar Carving. Using a magnifying glass and the sun to burn designs/patterns into wood and it brings me to a deep meditative state. But always be cautious that this can cause fires and if kids are reading, just talk to your parents and have them supervise you! Best of all you have a great husband who understands you and accepts you for who you are! Acceptance is the key! Jah Loves Us and Wants the Best for Us ALL!

Prevent Panic Attacks said...

I started to get panic attacks when I suffered from a inner ear disorder. I learned a lot about myself, and how people who suffer from them truly are suffering. I will never look at it again as just some controllable feeling that people bring on themselves. It was the worst thing I have ever suffered from.