As far as I can remember I have always had anxiety and fear. First there was the fear of blood. I used to pass out with the sight of blood or if anyone had hurt themselves. or if I saw an ambulance or I was visiting someone in hospital etc. This began to affect me in other ways. I did not like to put myself in a situation like being in a pub late at night as a fight may happen or a drunk would end up throwing glass bottles at someone.
Before my fear of blood, I used to suffer from seizures. These started from age 2. I would have a seizure in a situation where I was scared, or if I had a sudden fall where I would be in a state of shock. I would turn blue and go limp. My heart would shut off for a while then start up again.
From seizures then on to anxiety. Maybe it went on to anxiety because I was expecting to faint or to shut off when I got scared about something and then I started to feel out of control as I have never had to deal with it before. I found out about a year ago my fear of blood and passing out may be caused by the seizures.
The next thing I remember is when my panic attacks started :-( There are a few moments in the past where I can remember that feeling of a panic coming on but I can't remember which of my memories come first. Here is one of my memories, I first noticed the signs of panic.
Age 13 -One day I left my house to catch the school bus. I then walked across the road it is in front of my house onto the pavement, then down this wide lane which is as wide as 2 roads. Trees along the sides with some fences where some back gardens ended. Just walking along like normal thinking of what the school day would bring, and then suddenly this horrific feeling came from nowhere - feeling of fear, dizzy, felt lost. I didn't know what to do. Carry on? Go back home? Well I chose to walk to this high wooden fence and just stood there for a moment. I then noticed a boy walk passed that was from the same school as me. I started to feel fine. Then walked the rest of the way to the bus stop following behind him and carried on like nothing had happened.
Next time this happened I walking to the same bus stop some time later. The same thing happened again. This time it scared me a bit more but then saw the same boy walking to the bus stop and followed him and felt fine. From that day I started to wait for this boy to walk down the lane before I left my house. as I noticed this feeling only happened when I was walking on my own. This helped for a few days but then one day I waited for this boy as I was looking through my living room window sat on my Dad's leather chair. He did not show that day and I knew I was going to be late for the bus if I didn't leave. I remember the feeling of dread at the thought that I had to walk to the bus stop on my own.
But I picked up my school bag and coat and said bye to my Mum.
Went out the door.
Crossed the road felt fine and started to walk down the lane.
I started to look back at the house seeing how far I had walked and I started to have that feeling again, but it was worse than last time. I felt that I was going mad, my thoughts were going all round the place, I could not focus, I was shaking, heart was beating, so I to ran towards where I had to go, to see if the feelings would just go.
They just got worse.
So I started to run back to the house and my bag fell of my shoulder and I just dragged my bag all the way home and ran through the front door! Mum was stood in the dining room. wondered what I was running in for. I told her I couldn't walk to the bus stop any more and just broke down and cried. She wanted to know why I couldn't, she asked me to explain and the only way I could describe it to her was that I felt faint as I was walking. She then said to me "I told you that it's important to eat breakfast." I did think, Oh maybe she's right, it's just that, and I had that day off.
And Mum walked me to the school bus the next day and I was totally fine.