Sunday, 18 January 2009

Reflex anoxic seizures and anxiety through the years

Me at age 13

As far as I can remember I have always had anxiety and fear. First there was the fear of blood. I used to pass out with the sight of blood or if anyone had hurt themselves. or if I saw an ambulance or I was visiting someone in hospital etc. This began to affect me in other ways. I did not like to put myself in a situation like being in a pub late at night as a fight may happen or a drunk would end up throwing glass bottles at someone.

Before my fear of blood, I used to suffer from seizures. These started from age 2. I would have a seizure in a situation where I was scared, or if I had a sudden fall where I would be in a state of shock. I would turn blue and go limp. My heart would shut off for a while then start up again.

From seizures then on to anxiety. Maybe it went on to anxiety because I was expecting to faint or to shut off when I got scared about something and then I started to feel out of control as I have never had to deal with it before. I found out about a year ago my fear of blood and passing out may be caused by the seizures.

The next thing I remember is when my panic attacks started :-( There are a few moments in the past where I can remember that feeling of a panic coming on but I can't remember which of my memories come first. Here is one of my memories, I first noticed the signs of panic.

Age 13 -One day I left my house to catch the school bus. I then walked across the road it is in front of my house onto the pavement, then down this wide lane which is as wide as 2 roads. Trees along the sides with some fences where some back gardens ended. Just walking along like normal thinking of what the school day would bring, and then suddenly this horrific feeling came from nowhere - feeling of fear, dizzy, felt lost. I didn't know what to do. Carry on? Go back home? Well I chose to walk to this high wooden fence and just stood there for a moment. I then noticed a boy walk passed that was from the same school as me. I started to feel fine. Then walked the rest of the way to the bus stop following behind him and carried on like nothing had happened.

Next time this happened I walking to the same bus stop some time later. The same thing happened again. This time it scared me a bit more but then saw the same boy walking to the bus stop and followed him and felt fine. From that day I started to wait for this boy to walk down the lane before I left my house. as I noticed this feeling only happened when I was walking on my own. This helped for a few days but then one day I waited for this boy as I was looking through my living room window sat on my Dad's leather chair. He did not show that day and I knew I was going to be late for the bus if I didn't leave. I remember the feeling of dread at the thought that I had to walk to the bus stop on my own.

But I picked up my school bag and coat and said bye to my Mum.

Went out the door.

Crossed the road felt fine and started to walk down the lane.

I started to look back at the house seeing how far I had walked and I started to have that feeling again, but it was worse than last time. I felt that I was going mad, my thoughts were going all round the place, I could not focus, I was shaking, heart was beating, so I to ran towards where I had to go, to see if the feelings would just go.

They just got worse.

So I started to run back to the house and my bag fell of my shoulder and I just dragged my bag all the way home and ran through the front door! Mum was stood in the dining room. wondered what I was running in for. I told her I couldn't walk to the bus stop any more and just broke down and cried. She wanted to know why I couldn't, she asked me to explain and the only way I could describe it to her was that I felt faint as I was walking. She then said to me "I told you that it's important to eat breakfast." I did think, Oh maybe she's right, it's just that, and I had that day off.

And Mum walked me to the school bus the next day and I was totally fine.


8 comments:

Lynn said...

I love your post Marie. I think this blog is going to be great for you. This post was sad though, i guess there will be more sad ones to come, but i can totally picture you in that situation and i feel sad that you had to deal with these feelings at only 13 x

Faith Hoffen said...

Hello Marie,

I like your blog. I hope you get some relief from it, like I do from mine. Sometimes it really helps to 'write' your feelings down. Visit my blog if you'd like at http://hopetocope.blogspot.com.

Faith Hoffen

Ron said...

Nice to see you have joined the UK mental health blogosphere - we will follow your progress with great interest. Never know where these things lead - good luck.

Mandy said...

Hi Marie

Welcome to Blogland.

I am diagnosed with Bipolar although panic and anxiety have dominated most of my life. Wrote that because wanted you to know...perhaps some joint understanding or something :>)

Am fighting my way through agoraphobia. Is pretty much constant battle but am determined to conquer it (don't know when though).

Look forward to reading your posts x

rosiero said...

Hi Marie. I have come from Robert's blog where I comment sometimes, so I feel I already know a little bit about you and your phobia. I have lots of advice and help, but I imagine at the moment you may not want to hear it all. I feel for you, as I used to have irrational phobias which ruled my life and I was frightened to face them head-on, which the current therapists prefer you to do. It took a long while for me to be able to face them and finally I have. It may take a while or no time at all. But in order to do so, you need to be prepared to face them and to learn how to relax and reduce anxiety levels. That is the first step. Once you can control your anxiety, you can move on to tackling the things you fear. Nuf said for now. But I just wanted you to know there are sympathetic people out in blogland and I understand what you are going through. My fear of eating in public started when I was at university. Out with a new boyfriend and having a meal in a restaurant. I had ordered the meal, the waiter arrived with it and suddenly I was hot, the room was spinning and I could not swallow! From then on every meal out started the same until it got to the stage where I would not eat out, even in other people's houses. Now, I go out, eat meals, even on my own at times, but you would not think it possible if you had known me twenty years ago. So there is light at the end of the tunnel. You just have to make that first step slowly and then one more at a time.

Angel said...

Hi..

Lynn thanks for the nice coments.I think its helping me already by writing all my feelings down x

Faith, Thanks for stopping by and reading my blog, Hope you come back :-) I will have a look at your blog also.

Ron, thanks for adding me to your site. I have been on it a few times :-) I hope your readers like my blog also.

Rosiero, thanks for your comments. I hope that we can chat sometime maybe I will email you sometime if that is ok? I will come and stop at your blog soon also x

Mandy thanks for stopping by to read my blog, I would like it if we could help each other, I like to have a giggle so lets make life a bit better for both of us hey x

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