My holiday at my parents house whilst my family went to Disneyland

The day I left to stay at my parents
I was packed and ready to go and stay with my parents in Dorset for 5 nights whilst my husband and our two children went to Disneyland in Paris.
I had been anxious about going to stay with my parents for a couple of months now. My husband is my no 1 safe person, I spend most of my time with him.
Staying at my parents house is like staying at a hotel as they have a 7 bedroom house with a large garden, not exactly a agoraphobics heaven cos of the long hallways etc. but with my mum's home cooked meals and being waited on hand and foot that would be a holiday for anyone.
My parents were going to meet me in Taunton, so Robert and the two children and I went in the car to Taunton where we met my parents. On the way to Taunton I started to cry as the anxiety became strong the more I thought about the what ifs, what if I had a panic attack at my parents house, what if I cant cope without Robert, what if I start screaming with panic etc. etc.. so my imagination ran wild and feeling positive was far from how I feeling. I knew that there was nothing I could do in order to change Roberts mind in going away to Disneyland, I didn't ask him not to go as I knew it was for my children. We said our good byes and Robert drove of and left me in my parents company.

We then had to travel to Weymouth in Dorset, It's about an hour and a bit from Taunton, I was quite calm in the car as I knew Robert wasn't leaving on the boat until 4am the next morning so I felt calm, On the way home my dad stopped at a village near Bridport called Pilsdon to show me where my great grandma and Grandad used to live, Its called Pilsdon mannor.

After a hour or two we arrived in Weymouth at my parents house. Took my bags to my room and started to settle in and watch TV. I didn't feel anxious at this time still knowing Robert was still in the UK and I knew he could drive to me within a hour or so if I panicked.

The thing that was making me anxious was about going to bed and knowing at 4am Robert would be on the ferry to France. This was the moment I was not looking forward to.
Come 9:30 I felt so tired I decided to go up to my room and start to read and write in my diary and to settle in for the night. Followed by my hypnotherapy mp3 that I listen to every evening.
Waking every hour to look at my mobile to see what time it was, was getting anxious about how I would feel when I woke up or if I was awak at 4am how would I feel?

Well I woke up and looked at my mobile to find that it was 5am so I knew Robert was on the ferry half way to France, I felt no anxiety about him being so far way which made me rather emotional as I was so scared about being away from him and I was totally fine. I rang Robert up about 9am and he was on the bus from his Disney hotel to go to the disney park with the kids.
I started crying on the phone as Joseph and Orla was really excited and I was not there to share that with them, And then Robert started to cry to so we said our goodbyes quick.. aww

One of the days whilst I was away My friend Claire took me out in her car we drove to the New forrest which is about 46 miles so it took just over an hour or so.. we went for lunch in a pub garden it was lush. whilst driving there we had to stop for a few ponys along the road.
here are some photo's from our day at the new forrest in Dorset.







The last photo of me with the Linden method book I was reading it whilst we were out and about
I take that book most places now I find it helps to read it when I feel anxious.
After the New forrest we drove around Bournmouth then to Sand banks in Poole the 2nd most exspensive place to buy a house in England here is a House I liked so thought id take a photo to show you.. This will be my next house hahaha yer I wish



After we went to poole park to feed the swans and ducks, then we drove home to have a Indian take away yummy.. I had a great day out. I really enjoyed my time away with my family members and my friend I was out everyday and I felt bloody fantastic.. It could not have been a better week. all that stressing and being anxious for weeks before and I was tottaly fine.

Graham came home with kids with lots of hugs and kisses and gifts for me, I think they missed me a bit as they said it about 50 times haha aww bless, and I missed them loads too. They had a fantastic time away but will let Robert fill you in about that on his blog.
.

A post for Lynn

I am having one of those soppy moments and wanted to do a post to tell my friend Lynn that she is a great friend!! most of you will know lynn through reading her blog http://livingwithagoraphobia.blogspot.com/

I met Lynn online two years ago and untill This day we have spoke nearly everyday either online or on the phone. In the past two years I have shared everything with her and trust her with my heart.

Its good that we are both really positive most of the time. when I do have a really bad day and end up crying on the phone to her or asking for her support through a panic attack she is there.

When I have had a set back in the past with anxiety and having a few crap days etc, Lynn uses the magic saying You have been here before Kate and you know it passes.. Lynn is probualy the only person who actually can make me feel hopefull after a set back.
I am writing this post just to say thanks for being a great friend.

I actually never believed someone could have more than one best friend and now I do.

had two hypnotherapy/cbt sessions - Feeling more positive but sleeping untill 1pm

Here are a few things I'm doing diffrent thease days

1, I listen to my Hypnotherapy every night.

2, I walk the dog as far as I can each day a few times a day. which is probualy around 13-18 steps at the minute lol.. but hey im trying .

3, I drive my car to the shop across the road to get my dog a bone when he needs a new one.

4, I'm walking as far as I can in our shop every day.

5, Ive arranged to start Pilates.. meeting the lady on monday. she does home visits also, but I have chosen to go to a class in a hall.

6, I'm thinking about learning meditation

7, I am feeling better in the car now so dragging my husband out in the car when I can lol

8, starting to try and go to cafes and Restraunts

9, I have sciatica quite bad at the moment Ive had it for over two weeks now.

10. I am sleeping untill about 1pm each day.. so thats something I need to change not sure if the sciatica is anything to do with it as I am in quite abit of pain etc,

In the past a new therapy has always made me positive and motivated at the start and it normally goes down hill after a month or so.....

One thing I have done diffrently so far with this new therapy is that I am listening to the hypnotherapy each night and I am actually doing the homework each day. which actually I have never done in therapy. so for that I give myself a pat on the back.

actually I am rather pleased with myself at the moment for all the thing I have written above.
and for me sleeping in untill lunch time is rather shit I must admit and I am relying on my husband to get the kids ready for school. I'm hoping that I will able to have a routine of my own and start to become a proper mummy.

Down the therapy road again.....

This afternoon I decided to google therapies in my area in the south west. Haven't a clue why. Because I really don't know if I believe in therapy anymore. When I have seen a new therapist in the past it normally makes me really confident for a couple of weeks or more and I start to believe in myself. Which is good.. But never lasts!

Could it be the same as buying new clothes? Having new clothes to wear gives you confidence doesn't it? Then having anything new like a new car, a new puppy, or even when you have a new bf or gf gives you that confidence buzz.. So does therapy work?

Going private with therapy can cost hundreds of pounds or more. I told my sister on the phone today how I have been thinking that therapy may be a confidence booster, she said well if you think that you may as well spend a few hundred pounds on clothes and get confident that way!
Which is true really. That would make me feel great for a while.

My sister Kim works in the mental health team in her area. She helps people to get back into work or tries to get them interested in a college course etc. Kim goes to a number of meetings and courses which she learns more about my condition. I know one meeting last year she got very upset about what she heard about how hard it is for someone to live with a mental health illness. Agoraphobia came up as one of the hardest things to deal with. This hit home for my sister as she has seen her little sister grow up with this condition.

I started to write down the diffrent therapies in my area.. and I have decided to go with hypnotherapy again. I last had this properly when I was 18. It worked rather well then, but something happens in my head that my agoraphobia gets worse again after a few months of doing well. So I am willing to try it again.

I rang a few therapists around my area one is quite far from me - still in the south west but the traveling time would be an hour and a half.. This man is a hypnotherapist and he does EFT also.
He sounded really nice on the phone and I felt at ease but I think he is to far away to see each week really, so I will put him on hold.

Another therapist I rang - he lives about 6 miles away from me. He concentrates on NLP
but he sounded a very strict therapist and takes you out walking etc to make u face it!
Which is probably the best way to deal with my issue but seemed too scary talking about it!
lol.. so I haven't chosen him. Saying that, he is coming to my house on Tuesday morning for a one to one first session to find out my problem.. that can't hurt can it? So we will see..

The last therapist I had on my list I had found on the internet was a nice medium built man with grey hair and a grey beard.. I know this as he has a pic on his website lol
and on the phone he seemed a very sweet and gentle man. He is a hypnotherapist and a pshycotherapist. He lives actually 4 minute walk from me lol what a find!! whoo hoo.
He is coming to my house on Monday evening at 8pm so I will let you know what happens.


Here's a hypnotherapy visual aid. Concentrate on the centre circle. What do you see?

Seven pounds

I just watched the film Seven Pounds. I cried most of the way through it.
When I sat and watched this movie I started to think how my life was. How can I start to change the way I am? It is up to me to start thinking positive and begin to think what I want from life.
I know I can start to change the way my anxiety controls my mind. To start doing this I have to tell myself I am in charge!! I hope anyone reading this can start to believe they can too.
Life starts to change the day you want it!!

Marie x