Not sure where I am right now...

Sorry I haven't written for along time. The past few months have had two different stories - one of which is me beating anxiety and pushing my boundaries and the other is me feeling really low and having no motivation.

Good stories such as driving to different places with my children just to take the dog out to play fetch. The most I drove was around 18 miles to a big town :-) Bloody hell! That felt good at the time.

Walked down two streets in Clifton in Bristol with my friend Lorraine, and actually started my Christmas shopping.

Then the bad parts have been feeling really low and no motivation.

I haven't driven far for about 6 weeks or something. A couple of times when I felt up to fighting my demons of anxiety I drove to my local shop which took about 10 seconds in the car, to mainly buy junk food to make me feel better.

Or the other time I drove to the same shop and bought all healthy food as I was ready to turn my life around and start on a new healthy diet rather than eating crap everyday.

At the minute.. I'm feeling really down. And I know that I have been here before. but the anxiety that's in my head is really scary, and I just wish it would pass..

Will write soon Marie x

The battle between anxiety and desire

Once upon a time, two young women in their twenties met randomly online.

The two young women were called Marie and Lynn, and the one thing they had in common was that they both suffered from agoraphobia. They got to know each other very well and became very good friends. The thing is, these two girls lived over 400 miles apart - one in south west England the other in west Scotland. The only thing stopped them from meeting each other was anxiety. This didn't stop them from talking each day through MSN and phone calls.

Over two years had passed and by this time they became very close friends. Marie used to wonder if she would ever get to meet Lynn as she lived so far away and 'cos of anxiety they both suffered which just made this rather an ordeal.

Until.......

Marie's husband Robert had to go on a buisness trip to the Lake District which was about 5 hours' drive away. This gave Marie an idea that maybe she could go and stay with her friend Lynn if her hubby would drive her another 2 or 3 hours further to Glasgow. This meant Robert would have to drive for 2 or 3 hours more one way and drop Marie off at Lynn's and then drive all the way back to the Lake District.

Robert agreed to make the extra drive so Marie could go and stay at her friend, Lynn's house. Marie was very excited by this but also very, very anxious... The idea was fantastic but the anxious thoughts were constant and very negative.

She thought, Could she cope with traveling more than 7 hours from home? What if she had a panic attack so far away from home? Would she go and book into a bed and breakfast and just wait for an ambulance to come and sedate her? Just thinking about being in control of herself that whole time was just a dream at that moment, even though she had been to Scotland quite a few years ago. Then, when she still suffered from anxiety it was a very hard thing to cope with being so far from home. Plus she would be staying with a friend that she hadn't met in a house that she had never stayed in. And without her safe person, her husband, Robert.

The next few weeks leading up to that date where Marie had to decide if she could go on that 7 hour drive to stay with her friend for 4 days without her hubby were very hard, as she had to deal with all the 'what if' thoughts of anxiety about going away. It really was a fight between anxiety and desire.

The weeks flew past and it was just a week to go untill the big day arrived. At this time Marie had tried her best not to think about going to Scotland as this was an easier option as she was getting rather stressed about the whole thing. Part of her decided that she was going and nothing was going to stop her but she still had the constant negative thoughts saying that she couldn't go and that she was out of her mind thinking that she could cope with it.

Marie started looking online to buy a new suitcase and new pyjamas trying to make it all seem exciting so she would stay in positive mode about going away. Sometimes she would cry at night whilst going to sleep knowing it was such a big thing to her to go and meet her friend. And if she could really fight against those negative thoughts she was having, that seemed to be taking over every time she tried to tell herself that she would be able to go.

She finally told herself she was going no matter what. This was about 4 days before the planned date of departure.

And the next day Robert became ill.

The only obvious symptom that he had was a tempature and Marie just took it that it was 'man flu'. But the next morning, when Robert got out of bed and saw that his foot was very swollen his face just dropped 'cos he knew that he had the recurring cellulitis that he has had a few times before. This meant that he had to go on antibiotics straight away which was lucky as the doctor prescribed him an extra lot last time he had it so he could go straight on them next time he had it. Last time Robert had cellulitis he had to keep his foot elevated for over a week and he had high tempatures all time and was sleeping lots 'cos of the pain in his foot and the infection flows through his body causing pain everywhere so not a nice thing to suffer with.

After she knew what was wrong with Robert she felt really upset and she just thought that was Scotland over before it started. She just broke down and cried. Just thinking that all that time she had been fighting with her anxiety about going away and that just as she was starting to cope with the idea of going, it all had been taken away from her as Robert was poorly and it looked like going to Lynn's was cancelled. Marie felt crap as Robert knew she was upset as she was crying and really down so it made him feel very guilty. Marie told him that she knew it wasn't his fault. After a couple of days his foot seemed a lot better and he didn't seem to feel so ill or in so much pain but the fact they would have to drive for over 7 hours meant that the trip still seemed very unlikely. So in her head the trip was still a non-starter.

Robert stayed positive and told Marie that he would take her to Lynn's even though he couldn't make it to his business trip as he couldn't drive all that way and not keep his foot elevated. Then Robert had a really stupid idea and said, "Marie, you could drive to Scotland...."

Marie just looked at him and laughed.

"Yeah right," she said, then a day later they both packed their suitcases and they were going to Scotland and who was going to drive?

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

Me... haha!

Hi Guys! xxxx

I actually drove all the way to Scotland. Hours before the drive I was shitting myself (excuse the French lol). But as I was packing I was going to tell Robert I can't do this but for some reason I didn't and oh! am I glad I didn't back out!


My next post will be all about my trip to Lynn's house....

So watch this space haha....

Tomorrow my husband Robert and our 2 children are off to Disneyland Paris and as for me, I am off to my parents' house in Weymouth.

Am I upset that I am not going? Am I shitting myself about staying so far away from Robert for 6 days?

Yes to all the above

I am going to miss seeing those Disney gates with my children.. The ones that open and you enter into the most magical world!!

My Daughter Orla who is 3 she is going to see her most loved princess Cinderella. I'll be missing capturing one of the best photos I will ever take of her when she is still a little girl.

I asked Orla just then, What is she looking forward to the most about going to Disney Land?
She replied- I'm going to go and see Cinderella's Castle.
I asked her if she is sad about Mummy not going with her?
She replied with a hug and a whisper, I will miss you when you are at grandma's.

I asked Joseph the same questions.
He replied, I am looking forward to the rides especially the Runaway Train.
He said, I'll be sad because I'm going to miss mum going on the rides with me.

Same questions to Robert...
What he's most looking forward to is watching the kids having a good time. He's slightly excited about seeing Walt Disney Studios park for the 1st time (he's seen the Disneyland Park twice before).
He said that he always feels sad when something interesting is happening and he can't share it with me. He's sad that I am missing so much of my children's lives. Sometimes he feels lonely without me, even when there are lots of other people around. He will miss me most of all when he is in bed - without me...

My thoughts and feelings about staying at my parents' are-

Having a major panic attack and feeling it wont go away untill Robert gets on that train,boat or plane as fast as he can back to me. And other negative thoughts about me being taken in to hospital over the whole thing.

The good things about staying there will be me spending time with my Mum and Dad, them taking me out everyday. spending a day and evening with my best friend Claire, seeing my sister Kim and my nephew Sachin. Hee is 1 now, but soon will be 2. I may stay over at Kim's house one night, have a take-away and watch a DVD. Last of all, I'll have time to myself to hopefully think positive things, do lots of CBT homework and start on the Linden method. Charles is sending me another pack which will be arriving at my parents' by a courier on Monday. I used to have the Linden Method but as I didn't use it in the few years it was sitting on my bedroom floor. Eventually Robert threw it out.

So the best thing that could happen whilst staying at my parents' would be that I had no anxiety about Robert being away and I keep feeling confident.

There is no broadband at my parents' so I will have to use dial-up to keep in touch with everybody.

Honestly - I'm not looking forward to it at all.

MUST THINK POSITIVE
MUST THINK POSITIVE
MUST THINK POSITIVE

A post for Lynn

I am having one of those soppy moments and wanted to do a post to tell my friend Lynn that she is a great friend!! most of you will know lynn through reading her blog http://livingwithagoraphobia.blogspot.com/

I met Lynn online two years ago and untill This day we have spoke nearly everyday either online or on the phone. In the past two years I have shared everything with her and trust her with my heart.

Its good that we are both really positive most of the time. when I do have a really bad day and end up crying on the phone to her or asking for her support through a panic attack she is there.

When I have had a set back in the past with anxiety and having a few crap days etc, Lynn uses the magic saying You have been here before Kate and you know it passes.. Lynn is probualy the only person who actually can make me feel hopefull after a set back.
I am writing this post just to say thanks for being a great friend.

I actually never believed someone could have more than one best friend and now I do.

Moving Forward

After having three sessions with my hypnotherapist I'm actually feeling a 100% more positive than I was a few weeks ago. So to me thats Bloody Great!!

I am still listening to my hypnotherapy mp3 every single night and I am making myself walk outside about three or more times aday and I am gradualy walking a few more steps each day. A few weeks ago when I had been quite depressed and my anxiety just seemed through the roof it was hard even for me to go outside my house and think about walking a few steps. I know that last year when I got my puppy I was walking further than I am now but some how it went back and then I stopped trying. Now I am making sure I am walking everyday and I am starting to see the results.

Walking outside every day is one thing I have never tried since having suffered from agoraphobia, but now I can see the benefits of doing it. It gets easier to do each day and some of the area which was outside my safe zone is now inside my safe zone.

Another benefit of seeing my hypnotherapist every week is the incentive to actually have some progress to report each time I see him. If I only saw him once a month, I might be lazy and not try to improve a little every week. As well as this, he gives me some CBT to do each week.

He doesn't want me to talk negatively to him, and he's told me that when I get negative thoughts, I have to change my thinking to something positive. It doesn't have to be related to my negative thought, it can be anything - as long as it's positive. In this was I'm training myself to have less negative thoughts.

I'm trying to concentrate on what I can do, rather than what I can't do. I'm trying to think of this thing as a process rather than a "cure".

I feel more hopeful about progressing now than I have for a long time!

Applied for a disable blue badge....I had my application refused

I applied to have a disable badge as I think it would let me try and get used to my doctors, shops,restraunts etc etc.. even if I had to go in hospital I wouldnt be able to park outside the door. As I have no disable badge even thou I cant walk more than a few feet.. cos of my anxiety

My letter stated I cant have a badge cos the somerset county council have strict adhererence to the policy and criteria means that badges are only issues to those people who would otherwise find it impossible to visit shops, public buildings or other places.

hmmm so I dont fit in that catorgry???? ffs do they understand agoraphobia?? did they even look at my aplication formn??

people who have disable badges some of them park in car parks along way from shops etc and walk there!!! so they find it impossible to get to public places so they? what an excuse!!
well Im going to fight for agoraphobics and mental health sufferers!! and get that badge.

This is some info I found whilst reasearching agoraphobia and disable badges.

I am going to get a letter from my doctor, therapist contact some mp's from the council etc and someone from the mental health team in my area and kick ass!!

This is the information that the blue badge scheme website gives you on mental health

People with mental health difficulties

Whilst driving was described as the only feasible mode of travel for people with panic attacks and agoraphobia, the following issues were highlighted:

• Problems finding a parking space caused anxiety and panic. A person will abandon a trip altogether due to the inability to find a space.
• Those with more severe agoraphobia will not leave their house due to walking distances. Even for those with a less severe condition, quality of life would be greatly improved if they could park close to their destination (all severity levels would benefit potentially).
• Problems going shopping. Parking far away from shops caused a great deal of stress and often meant that trips were abandoned because the anxiety triggered panic attacks.
• Multi-storey car parks were also difficult for respondents to face due to feeling of enclosure, which could lead to a panic attack.
• Feeling of getting lost if car is parked far away and can't be found easily. A Blue Badge would mean that respondents could park next to destination which would reduce the anxiety.

Respondents with OCD (Obsessive Compulsive Disorder) encountered a lot of problems in reaching their final destinations. The lack of normal parking spaces meant that having a badge would mean being able to park close to the destination. Problems also exist with objects such as barriers, bollards and signs being “dirty” – in addition, parking close to visible dirty objects (for example, litter) caused huge problems.

With Tourette’s Syndrome, repetitive behaviour can hinder the use of public and private transport. They might affect a person’s ability to board a bus. Obsessive Compulsive Behaviours may also distract a road user from the road (for instance, compulsive mirror checking)

.

This is what I found on the net that the house of commons said about people with mental health issues having a disable blue badge

It is clear that people with conditions such as agoraphobia and social phobia find travelling alone difficult and the risk is sometimes worsened by more serious mental impairments.

Each person who has a severe mental impairment or who have extremely disruptive behavioural problems, which affects their mobility, as in the case of agoraphobia or autism, should be given a badge.

The diagnosis should be irrelevant, but the impact the condition has on the person's mobility and ability to travel should be relevant, not every mental impairment will affect a person's ability and every person's experience is individual, so the criteria should be changed to reflect that.

Social inclusion, better quality of life, and independence are all factors which would be likely to help people who are severely mentally impaired or who have extremely disruptive behavioural problems, who are awarded a Blue Badge would be greatly enhanced by being entitled to the parking concessions.


I think I am in intitles to get that badge!!! do you?

Down the therapy road again.....

This afternoon I decided to google therapies in my area in the south west. Haven't a clue why. Because I really don't know if I believe in therapy anymore. When I have seen a new therapist in the past it normally makes me really confident for a couple of weeks or more and I start to believe in myself. Which is good.. But never lasts!

Could it be the same as buying new clothes? Having new clothes to wear gives you confidence doesn't it? Then having anything new like a new car, a new puppy, or even when you have a new bf or gf gives you that confidence buzz.. So does therapy work?

Going private with therapy can cost hundreds of pounds or more. I told my sister on the phone today how I have been thinking that therapy may be a confidence booster, she said well if you think that you may as well spend a few hundred pounds on clothes and get confident that way!
Which is true really. That would make me feel great for a while.

My sister Kim works in the mental health team in her area. She helps people to get back into work or tries to get them interested in a college course etc. Kim goes to a number of meetings and courses which she learns more about my condition. I know one meeting last year she got very upset about what she heard about how hard it is for someone to live with a mental health illness. Agoraphobia came up as one of the hardest things to deal with. This hit home for my sister as she has seen her little sister grow up with this condition.

I started to write down the diffrent therapies in my area.. and I have decided to go with hypnotherapy again. I last had this properly when I was 18. It worked rather well then, but something happens in my head that my agoraphobia gets worse again after a few months of doing well. So I am willing to try it again.

I rang a few therapists around my area one is quite far from me - still in the south west but the traveling time would be an hour and a half.. This man is a hypnotherapist and he does EFT also.
He sounded really nice on the phone and I felt at ease but I think he is to far away to see each week really, so I will put him on hold.

Another therapist I rang - he lives about 6 miles away from me. He concentrates on NLP
but he sounded a very strict therapist and takes you out walking etc to make u face it!
Which is probably the best way to deal with my issue but seemed too scary talking about it!
lol.. so I haven't chosen him. Saying that, he is coming to my house on Tuesday morning for a one to one first session to find out my problem.. that can't hurt can it? So we will see..

The last therapist I had on my list I had found on the internet was a nice medium built man with grey hair and a grey beard.. I know this as he has a pic on his website lol
and on the phone he seemed a very sweet and gentle man. He is a hypnotherapist and a pshycotherapist. He lives actually 4 minute walk from me lol what a find!! whoo hoo.
He is coming to my house on Monday evening at 8pm so I will let you know what happens.


Here's a hypnotherapy visual aid. Concentrate on the centre circle. What do you see?

Anxiety at School

In my last post, I wrote about being scared walking to the bus stop. After this, my anxiety started to change my life.

I had a best friend at school called Leanne. She lived half way down the lane on the way to the bus stop. I told her about the way I was scared about walking to the school bus in the mornings. She was very sweet and told me that she would call for me so we could walk together. This made my anxious feelings lessen as I didn't have to worry about walking on my own and freaking out.

Every morning Leanne called for me and we walked to the bus stop together. If she was ill my mum would walk with me and when I got to the bus stop I was fine. Coming home from school I got off at a different bus stop and I felt fine walking home on my own. There were kids walking the same way so this made it easier. There came a time when this started to be a problem and I had the same strange feelings of fear, heart beating fast, and that terrible feeling that everything around you doesn't seem real. I really didn't understand what was happening to me. Why was I feeling this way? After this Leanne would walk home with me or else my mum would be waiting for me at the bus stop to take me home.

Anxiety started to take over how I was at school. Leanne started to walk me to my classes and then meet me when they had finished. I didn't feel anxiety in the classroom. It was just walking to and from classes on my own. When I was walking with people I just felt happy and content. It was like nothing bothered me. The only subjects at school my anxiety started to interfere with were PE and games. So playing tennis outside on the large courts would start to bother me. I felt light and scared. I dealt with this by playing on the court near the steps of the school and no one knew any different. I just looked like a normal 13 year old school girl. When we were in the main hall in the school, playing badminton or doing gymnastics, it was just the same. I had to try and stand nearer the exit. I didn't have to tell the teachers about these feelings as I seemed to be dealing with them enough to be able to carry on with the sport activities.

As the years went by the fear grew worse. I had to tell my teachers about the situation I was in. When playing in the hall I could only cope with some of the activities if I could stand near the exit of the hall. Some teachers got rather cross with me and just told me to get on with whatever the activity was but my fear was more scary than them!! So I would spend a lot of my PE lessons sat on the wooden cold bench on the side of the hall.

My concentration started to be affected in class by the fearful thoughts that would come like how am I going to be walking home? etc.

When I was 15 it was that most important year at school. The year I would do my GCSE'S. This made me even more anxious thinking I had to sit in the large hall having to spend two hours or so doing exams and not being able to escape. I was hoping I wouldn't have to sit in the middle of about 80 kids. I discussed this with my Mum as I was getting upset about it, so she phoned the school to discuss it further with the head master. They organised that I would be able to sit at the front of the hall each time I had an exam. So that was another thing I didn't have to worry about so much.

I got through the exams but only got D grades (C is considered by employers as a pass), so my future did not look that good.

It was time to start a new chapter in my life.

Reflex anoxic seizures and anxiety through the years

Me at age 13

As far as I can remember I have always had anxiety and fear. First there was the fear of blood. I used to pass out with the sight of blood or if anyone had hurt themselves. or if I saw an ambulance or I was visiting someone in hospital etc. This began to affect me in other ways. I did not like to put myself in a situation like being in a pub late at night as a fight may happen or a drunk would end up throwing glass bottles at someone.

Before my fear of blood, I used to suffer from seizures. These started from age 2. I would have a seizure in a situation where I was scared, or if I had a sudden fall where I would be in a state of shock. I would turn blue and go limp. My heart would shut off for a while then start up again.

From seizures then on to anxiety. Maybe it went on to anxiety because I was expecting to faint or to shut off when I got scared about something and then I started to feel out of control as I have never had to deal with it before. I found out about a year ago my fear of blood and passing out may be caused by the seizures.

The next thing I remember is when my panic attacks started :-( There are a few moments in the past where I can remember that feeling of a panic coming on but I can't remember which of my memories come first. Here is one of my memories, I first noticed the signs of panic.

Age 13 -One day I left my house to catch the school bus. I then walked across the road it is in front of my house onto the pavement, then down this wide lane which is as wide as 2 roads. Trees along the sides with some fences where some back gardens ended. Just walking along like normal thinking of what the school day would bring, and then suddenly this horrific feeling came from nowhere - feeling of fear, dizzy, felt lost. I didn't know what to do. Carry on? Go back home? Well I chose to walk to this high wooden fence and just stood there for a moment. I then noticed a boy walk passed that was from the same school as me. I started to feel fine. Then walked the rest of the way to the bus stop following behind him and carried on like nothing had happened.

Next time this happened I walking to the same bus stop some time later. The same thing happened again. This time it scared me a bit more but then saw the same boy walking to the bus stop and followed him and felt fine. From that day I started to wait for this boy to walk down the lane before I left my house. as I noticed this feeling only happened when I was walking on my own. This helped for a few days but then one day I waited for this boy as I was looking through my living room window sat on my Dad's leather chair. He did not show that day and I knew I was going to be late for the bus if I didn't leave. I remember the feeling of dread at the thought that I had to walk to the bus stop on my own.

But I picked up my school bag and coat and said bye to my Mum.

Went out the door.

Crossed the road felt fine and started to walk down the lane.

I started to look back at the house seeing how far I had walked and I started to have that feeling again, but it was worse than last time. I felt that I was going mad, my thoughts were going all round the place, I could not focus, I was shaking, heart was beating, so I to ran towards where I had to go, to see if the feelings would just go.

They just got worse.

So I started to run back to the house and my bag fell of my shoulder and I just dragged my bag all the way home and ran through the front door! Mum was stood in the dining room. wondered what I was running in for. I told her I couldn't walk to the bus stop any more and just broke down and cried. She wanted to know why I couldn't, she asked me to explain and the only way I could describe it to her was that I felt faint as I was walking. She then said to me "I told you that it's important to eat breakfast." I did think, Oh maybe she's right, it's just that, and I had that day off.

And Mum walked me to the school bus the next day and I was totally fine.

Hi, I'm Marie

Hi, I'm Marie.
I am 30 and I suffer from agoraphobia.. Hmm great I already gave myself a label. Some people maybe thinking oh god another anxiety freak!! she should just understand, it's all in her head and stop trying to get attention bla bla bla..

Well for one I do know it's all in my head, and sometimes I do feel like a total freak But a couple of questions that id like to know is.. how do I start thinking I am in control of my life, to tell those fearful thoughts to FUCKOFF!! quite a few of my therapists have said they are only thoughts! Yes they are but they control me, well I guess I let them as I don't want to find out if I can suffer any more anxiety and fear than I already do, I should just ignore them and Run..

I do run but from the fear not through it!!

OK lets try and make me start sounding like someone with a life hey :-)
I am married, to a man that I love so much it hurts, I really didn't think Id ever feel the way I do about him.. He is called Robert. Plus I never thought anyone could love me the way he does either,
I have been with him 9 years this coming march. And married 3 years this April 29th
We have 2 children together Joseph aged 7 and Orla aged 3.
Robert also has 5 other children from past relationships and also grandchildren, I must admit having been 21 and going out with a man about twice my age with 5 children and grandchildren was hard to deal with, plus I know it was extremely hard for his children to have their Dad to be dating someone half his age plus the fact she was agoraphobic. But after 9years his children /Grandchildren feel like family to me and I can truly say I love them to bits.

Before I met Robert I lived with my parents.. I also have two sisters Kim and Karen
They now have children.. both little boys which makes me an auntie. Yey :-)
The other people that are special to me are my Auntie Joan and Uncle Ray, they have got to be the best auntie and uncle in the world!! then there's My best friend Claire, we have been friends since I was 11 so we have shared a lot. I wouldn't swop her for anything.

And last of all my new friend Lynn that I have been friends for about 2 years now, She also suffers from agoraphobia she lives in Scotland so we live miles apart as I
live down south. We met through the internet randomly she had written a letter
about herself living with agoraphobia... so I replied!!
Probably the best email or letter I have ever written as it got me a friend that I never thought id get, she has been like an angel since.. and I love her to bits xx