Not sure where I am right now...

Sorry I haven't written for along time. The past few months have had two different stories - one of which is me beating anxiety and pushing my boundaries and the other is me feeling really low and having no motivation.

Good stories such as driving to different places with my children just to take the dog out to play fetch. The most I drove was around 18 miles to a big town :-) Bloody hell! That felt good at the time.

Walked down two streets in Clifton in Bristol with my friend Lorraine, and actually started my Christmas shopping.

Then the bad parts have been feeling really low and no motivation.

I haven't driven far for about 6 weeks or something. A couple of times when I felt up to fighting my demons of anxiety I drove to my local shop which took about 10 seconds in the car, to mainly buy junk food to make me feel better.

Or the other time I drove to the same shop and bought all healthy food as I was ready to turn my life around and start on a new healthy diet rather than eating crap everyday.

At the minute.. I'm feeling really down. And I know that I have been here before. but the anxiety that's in my head is really scary, and I just wish it would pass..

Will write soon Marie x

The battle between anxiety and desire

Once upon a time, two young women in their twenties met randomly online.

The two young women were called Marie and Lynn, and the one thing they had in common was that they both suffered from agoraphobia. They got to know each other very well and became very good friends. The thing is, these two girls lived over 400 miles apart - one in south west England the other in west Scotland. The only thing stopped them from meeting each other was anxiety. This didn't stop them from talking each day through MSN and phone calls.

Over two years had passed and by this time they became very close friends. Marie used to wonder if she would ever get to meet Lynn as she lived so far away and 'cos of anxiety they both suffered which just made this rather an ordeal.

Until.......

Marie's husband Robert had to go on a buisness trip to the Lake District which was about 5 hours' drive away. This gave Marie an idea that maybe she could go and stay with her friend Lynn if her hubby would drive her another 2 or 3 hours further to Glasgow. This meant Robert would have to drive for 2 or 3 hours more one way and drop Marie off at Lynn's and then drive all the way back to the Lake District.

Robert agreed to make the extra drive so Marie could go and stay at her friend, Lynn's house. Marie was very excited by this but also very, very anxious... The idea was fantastic but the anxious thoughts were constant and very negative.

She thought, Could she cope with traveling more than 7 hours from home? What if she had a panic attack so far away from home? Would she go and book into a bed and breakfast and just wait for an ambulance to come and sedate her? Just thinking about being in control of herself that whole time was just a dream at that moment, even though she had been to Scotland quite a few years ago. Then, when she still suffered from anxiety it was a very hard thing to cope with being so far from home. Plus she would be staying with a friend that she hadn't met in a house that she had never stayed in. And without her safe person, her husband, Robert.

The next few weeks leading up to that date where Marie had to decide if she could go on that 7 hour drive to stay with her friend for 4 days without her hubby were very hard, as she had to deal with all the 'what if' thoughts of anxiety about going away. It really was a fight between anxiety and desire.

The weeks flew past and it was just a week to go untill the big day arrived. At this time Marie had tried her best not to think about going to Scotland as this was an easier option as she was getting rather stressed about the whole thing. Part of her decided that she was going and nothing was going to stop her but she still had the constant negative thoughts saying that she couldn't go and that she was out of her mind thinking that she could cope with it.

Marie started looking online to buy a new suitcase and new pyjamas trying to make it all seem exciting so she would stay in positive mode about going away. Sometimes she would cry at night whilst going to sleep knowing it was such a big thing to her to go and meet her friend. And if she could really fight against those negative thoughts she was having, that seemed to be taking over every time she tried to tell herself that she would be able to go.

She finally told herself she was going no matter what. This was about 4 days before the planned date of departure.

And the next day Robert became ill.

The only obvious symptom that he had was a tempature and Marie just took it that it was 'man flu'. But the next morning, when Robert got out of bed and saw that his foot was very swollen his face just dropped 'cos he knew that he had the recurring cellulitis that he has had a few times before. This meant that he had to go on antibiotics straight away which was lucky as the doctor prescribed him an extra lot last time he had it so he could go straight on them next time he had it. Last time Robert had cellulitis he had to keep his foot elevated for over a week and he had high tempatures all time and was sleeping lots 'cos of the pain in his foot and the infection flows through his body causing pain everywhere so not a nice thing to suffer with.

After she knew what was wrong with Robert she felt really upset and she just thought that was Scotland over before it started. She just broke down and cried. Just thinking that all that time she had been fighting with her anxiety about going away and that just as she was starting to cope with the idea of going, it all had been taken away from her as Robert was poorly and it looked like going to Lynn's was cancelled. Marie felt crap as Robert knew she was upset as she was crying and really down so it made him feel very guilty. Marie told him that she knew it wasn't his fault. After a couple of days his foot seemed a lot better and he didn't seem to feel so ill or in so much pain but the fact they would have to drive for over 7 hours meant that the trip still seemed very unlikely. So in her head the trip was still a non-starter.

Robert stayed positive and told Marie that he would take her to Lynn's even though he couldn't make it to his business trip as he couldn't drive all that way and not keep his foot elevated. Then Robert had a really stupid idea and said, "Marie, you could drive to Scotland...."

Marie just looked at him and laughed.

"Yeah right," she said, then a day later they both packed their suitcases and they were going to Scotland and who was going to drive?

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

Me... haha!

Hi Guys! xxxx

I actually drove all the way to Scotland. Hours before the drive I was shitting myself (excuse the French lol). But as I was packing I was going to tell Robert I can't do this but for some reason I didn't and oh! am I glad I didn't back out!


My next post will be all about my trip to Lynn's house....

So watch this space haha....

Tomorrow my husband Robert and our 2 children are off to Disneyland Paris and as for me, I am off to my parents' house in Weymouth.

Am I upset that I am not going? Am I shitting myself about staying so far away from Robert for 6 days?

Yes to all the above

I am going to miss seeing those Disney gates with my children.. The ones that open and you enter into the most magical world!!

My Daughter Orla who is 3 she is going to see her most loved princess Cinderella. I'll be missing capturing one of the best photos I will ever take of her when she is still a little girl.

I asked Orla just then, What is she looking forward to the most about going to Disney Land?
She replied- I'm going to go and see Cinderella's Castle.
I asked her if she is sad about Mummy not going with her?
She replied with a hug and a whisper, I will miss you when you are at grandma's.

I asked Joseph the same questions.
He replied, I am looking forward to the rides especially the Runaway Train.
He said, I'll be sad because I'm going to miss mum going on the rides with me.

Same questions to Robert...
What he's most looking forward to is watching the kids having a good time. He's slightly excited about seeing Walt Disney Studios park for the 1st time (he's seen the Disneyland Park twice before).
He said that he always feels sad when something interesting is happening and he can't share it with me. He's sad that I am missing so much of my children's lives. Sometimes he feels lonely without me, even when there are lots of other people around. He will miss me most of all when he is in bed - without me...

My thoughts and feelings about staying at my parents' are-

Having a major panic attack and feeling it wont go away untill Robert gets on that train,boat or plane as fast as he can back to me. And other negative thoughts about me being taken in to hospital over the whole thing.

The good things about staying there will be me spending time with my Mum and Dad, them taking me out everyday. spending a day and evening with my best friend Claire, seeing my sister Kim and my nephew Sachin. Hee is 1 now, but soon will be 2. I may stay over at Kim's house one night, have a take-away and watch a DVD. Last of all, I'll have time to myself to hopefully think positive things, do lots of CBT homework and start on the Linden method. Charles is sending me another pack which will be arriving at my parents' by a courier on Monday. I used to have the Linden Method but as I didn't use it in the few years it was sitting on my bedroom floor. Eventually Robert threw it out.

So the best thing that could happen whilst staying at my parents' would be that I had no anxiety about Robert being away and I keep feeling confident.

There is no broadband at my parents' so I will have to use dial-up to keep in touch with everybody.

Honestly - I'm not looking forward to it at all.

MUST THINK POSITIVE
MUST THINK POSITIVE
MUST THINK POSITIVE

Moving Forward

After having three sessions with my hypnotherapist I'm actually feeling a 100% more positive than I was a few weeks ago. So to me thats Bloody Great!!

I am still listening to my hypnotherapy mp3 every single night and I am making myself walk outside about three or more times aday and I am gradualy walking a few more steps each day. A few weeks ago when I had been quite depressed and my anxiety just seemed through the roof it was hard even for me to go outside my house and think about walking a few steps. I know that last year when I got my puppy I was walking further than I am now but some how it went back and then I stopped trying. Now I am making sure I am walking everyday and I am starting to see the results.

Walking outside every day is one thing I have never tried since having suffered from agoraphobia, but now I can see the benefits of doing it. It gets easier to do each day and some of the area which was outside my safe zone is now inside my safe zone.

Another benefit of seeing my hypnotherapist every week is the incentive to actually have some progress to report each time I see him. If I only saw him once a month, I might be lazy and not try to improve a little every week. As well as this, he gives me some CBT to do each week.

He doesn't want me to talk negatively to him, and he's told me that when I get negative thoughts, I have to change my thinking to something positive. It doesn't have to be related to my negative thought, it can be anything - as long as it's positive. In this was I'm training myself to have less negative thoughts.

I'm trying to concentrate on what I can do, rather than what I can't do. I'm trying to think of this thing as a process rather than a "cure".

I feel more hopeful about progressing now than I have for a long time!

Applied for a disable blue badge....I had my application refused

I applied to have a disable badge as I think it would let me try and get used to my doctors, shops,restraunts etc etc.. even if I had to go in hospital I wouldnt be able to park outside the door. As I have no disable badge even thou I cant walk more than a few feet.. cos of my anxiety

My letter stated I cant have a badge cos the somerset county council have strict adhererence to the policy and criteria means that badges are only issues to those people who would otherwise find it impossible to visit shops, public buildings or other places.

hmmm so I dont fit in that catorgry???? ffs do they understand agoraphobia?? did they even look at my aplication formn??

people who have disable badges some of them park in car parks along way from shops etc and walk there!!! so they find it impossible to get to public places so they? what an excuse!!
well Im going to fight for agoraphobics and mental health sufferers!! and get that badge.

This is some info I found whilst reasearching agoraphobia and disable badges.

I am going to get a letter from my doctor, therapist contact some mp's from the council etc and someone from the mental health team in my area and kick ass!!

This is the information that the blue badge scheme website gives you on mental health

People with mental health difficulties

Whilst driving was described as the only feasible mode of travel for people with panic attacks and agoraphobia, the following issues were highlighted:

• Problems finding a parking space caused anxiety and panic. A person will abandon a trip altogether due to the inability to find a space.
• Those with more severe agoraphobia will not leave their house due to walking distances. Even for those with a less severe condition, quality of life would be greatly improved if they could park close to their destination (all severity levels would benefit potentially).
• Problems going shopping. Parking far away from shops caused a great deal of stress and often meant that trips were abandoned because the anxiety triggered panic attacks.
• Multi-storey car parks were also difficult for respondents to face due to feeling of enclosure, which could lead to a panic attack.
• Feeling of getting lost if car is parked far away and can't be found easily. A Blue Badge would mean that respondents could park next to destination which would reduce the anxiety.

Respondents with OCD (Obsessive Compulsive Disorder) encountered a lot of problems in reaching their final destinations. The lack of normal parking spaces meant that having a badge would mean being able to park close to the destination. Problems also exist with objects such as barriers, bollards and signs being “dirty” – in addition, parking close to visible dirty objects (for example, litter) caused huge problems.

With Tourette’s Syndrome, repetitive behaviour can hinder the use of public and private transport. They might affect a person’s ability to board a bus. Obsessive Compulsive Behaviours may also distract a road user from the road (for instance, compulsive mirror checking)

.

This is what I found on the net that the house of commons said about people with mental health issues having a disable blue badge

It is clear that people with conditions such as agoraphobia and social phobia find travelling alone difficult and the risk is sometimes worsened by more serious mental impairments.

Each person who has a severe mental impairment or who have extremely disruptive behavioural problems, which affects their mobility, as in the case of agoraphobia or autism, should be given a badge.

The diagnosis should be irrelevant, but the impact the condition has on the person's mobility and ability to travel should be relevant, not every mental impairment will affect a person's ability and every person's experience is individual, so the criteria should be changed to reflect that.

Social inclusion, better quality of life, and independence are all factors which would be likely to help people who are severely mentally impaired or who have extremely disruptive behavioural problems, who are awarded a Blue Badge would be greatly enhanced by being entitled to the parking concessions.


I think I am in intitles to get that badge!!! do you?

Down the therapy road again.....

This afternoon I decided to google therapies in my area in the south west. Haven't a clue why. Because I really don't know if I believe in therapy anymore. When I have seen a new therapist in the past it normally makes me really confident for a couple of weeks or more and I start to believe in myself. Which is good.. But never lasts!

Could it be the same as buying new clothes? Having new clothes to wear gives you confidence doesn't it? Then having anything new like a new car, a new puppy, or even when you have a new bf or gf gives you that confidence buzz.. So does therapy work?

Going private with therapy can cost hundreds of pounds or more. I told my sister on the phone today how I have been thinking that therapy may be a confidence booster, she said well if you think that you may as well spend a few hundred pounds on clothes and get confident that way!
Which is true really. That would make me feel great for a while.

My sister Kim works in the mental health team in her area. She helps people to get back into work or tries to get them interested in a college course etc. Kim goes to a number of meetings and courses which she learns more about my condition. I know one meeting last year she got very upset about what she heard about how hard it is for someone to live with a mental health illness. Agoraphobia came up as one of the hardest things to deal with. This hit home for my sister as she has seen her little sister grow up with this condition.

I started to write down the diffrent therapies in my area.. and I have decided to go with hypnotherapy again. I last had this properly when I was 18. It worked rather well then, but something happens in my head that my agoraphobia gets worse again after a few months of doing well. So I am willing to try it again.

I rang a few therapists around my area one is quite far from me - still in the south west but the traveling time would be an hour and a half.. This man is a hypnotherapist and he does EFT also.
He sounded really nice on the phone and I felt at ease but I think he is to far away to see each week really, so I will put him on hold.

Another therapist I rang - he lives about 6 miles away from me. He concentrates on NLP
but he sounded a very strict therapist and takes you out walking etc to make u face it!
Which is probably the best way to deal with my issue but seemed too scary talking about it!
lol.. so I haven't chosen him. Saying that, he is coming to my house on Tuesday morning for a one to one first session to find out my problem.. that can't hurt can it? So we will see..

The last therapist I had on my list I had found on the internet was a nice medium built man with grey hair and a grey beard.. I know this as he has a pic on his website lol
and on the phone he seemed a very sweet and gentle man. He is a hypnotherapist and a pshycotherapist. He lives actually 4 minute walk from me lol what a find!! whoo hoo.
He is coming to my house on Monday evening at 8pm so I will let you know what happens.


Here's a hypnotherapy visual aid. Concentrate on the centre circle. What do you see?

My magic bag and OCD

It all started when my sister Kim gave me a new school bag as a present. It was a bright yellow Benetton duffle bag. I was very pleased as they were the rage at the time.

I put all my school books etc. into the bag ready for school the next day. This was probably the first time I had ever been organised for school with my bag packed. Having a new school bag even made me set my alarm clock 2 hours earlier than normal. Which was totally not me, as I normally jumped out of bed about 20 minutes before I had to leave to catch the school bus.

My alarm clock was very annoying and very loud. My parents had bought me it one Christmas, thinking it may be the the answer to me getting up for school on time. Boom Boom, get up! it shouts. Then, if you don't turn the alarm off, it gets even louder. BOOM BOOM time to get up!! You can see how annoying this is. But it didn't make the slightest difference in me getting out of bed.

This particular morning I did get up early. I had an extra two hours to get ready so I could look my best with my new bag. Maybe I should have bought a new bag everyday (lol). I had breakfast, a bath, did my hair and did my make-up. Looking good!! ;-)

I was so impressed that I was ready in time. I put my coat on and went out the front door to wait for my friend Leanne. I started to play hop scotch on the front path outside my door. Not exactly the coolest thing to be seen doing when you are 14. I got bored of hopscotch after 10 minutes. I decided to try and walk to Leanne's house by myself to surprise her that I was ready on time. I didn't tell my mum that I was going to try and walk there on my own. So I just shouted through the letter box goodbye. I put my bag on my shoulder and started to walk across the road and down the lane. I was totally fine. There was no feeling of fear or anything. I got to Leanne's house and rang the door bell. She came out with a very surprised smile and then we walked to the bus stop together.

After that day I started to notice that if I had this big bag on my shoulder I could walk on my own. I didn't feel light. I felt confident and in control. If I tried walking on my own without this bag I just felt all funny again. A smaller bag was no good. This made no sense to me at all and still doesn't now.

It felt great that I could walk on my own again to and from the bus stop. I have never been able to walk out my house without a big bag or a oversized handbag since. Plus it has to be a certain weight. This doesen't really bother me. As it doesn't affect me in the slightest. Until the day comes where I want to go swimming, I can't see it being a problem. It will have to change then as I would look rather odd in the pool with a handbag!