My holiday at my parents house whilst my family went to Disneyland

The day I left to stay at my parents
I was packed and ready to go and stay with my parents in Dorset for 5 nights whilst my husband and our two children went to Disneyland in Paris.
I had been anxious about going to stay with my parents for a couple of months now. My husband is my no 1 safe person, I spend most of my time with him.
Staying at my parents house is like staying at a hotel as they have a 7 bedroom house with a large garden, not exactly a agoraphobics heaven cos of the long hallways etc. but with my mum's home cooked meals and being waited on hand and foot that would be a holiday for anyone.
My parents were going to meet me in Taunton, so Robert and the two children and I went in the car to Taunton where we met my parents. On the way to Taunton I started to cry as the anxiety became strong the more I thought about the what ifs, what if I had a panic attack at my parents house, what if I cant cope without Robert, what if I start screaming with panic etc. etc.. so my imagination ran wild and feeling positive was far from how I feeling. I knew that there was nothing I could do in order to change Roberts mind in going away to Disneyland, I didn't ask him not to go as I knew it was for my children. We said our good byes and Robert drove of and left me in my parents company.

We then had to travel to Weymouth in Dorset, It's about an hour and a bit from Taunton, I was quite calm in the car as I knew Robert wasn't leaving on the boat until 4am the next morning so I felt calm, On the way home my dad stopped at a village near Bridport called Pilsdon to show me where my great grandma and Grandad used to live, Its called Pilsdon mannor.

After a hour or two we arrived in Weymouth at my parents house. Took my bags to my room and started to settle in and watch TV. I didn't feel anxious at this time still knowing Robert was still in the UK and I knew he could drive to me within a hour or so if I panicked.

The thing that was making me anxious was about going to bed and knowing at 4am Robert would be on the ferry to France. This was the moment I was not looking forward to.
Come 9:30 I felt so tired I decided to go up to my room and start to read and write in my diary and to settle in for the night. Followed by my hypnotherapy mp3 that I listen to every evening.
Waking every hour to look at my mobile to see what time it was, was getting anxious about how I would feel when I woke up or if I was awak at 4am how would I feel?

Well I woke up and looked at my mobile to find that it was 5am so I knew Robert was on the ferry half way to France, I felt no anxiety about him being so far way which made me rather emotional as I was so scared about being away from him and I was totally fine. I rang Robert up about 9am and he was on the bus from his Disney hotel to go to the disney park with the kids.
I started crying on the phone as Joseph and Orla was really excited and I was not there to share that with them, And then Robert started to cry to so we said our goodbyes quick.. aww

One of the days whilst I was away My friend Claire took me out in her car we drove to the New forrest which is about 46 miles so it took just over an hour or so.. we went for lunch in a pub garden it was lush. whilst driving there we had to stop for a few ponys along the road.
here are some photo's from our day at the new forrest in Dorset.







The last photo of me with the Linden method book I was reading it whilst we were out and about
I take that book most places now I find it helps to read it when I feel anxious.
After the New forrest we drove around Bournmouth then to Sand banks in Poole the 2nd most exspensive place to buy a house in England here is a House I liked so thought id take a photo to show you.. This will be my next house hahaha yer I wish



After we went to poole park to feed the swans and ducks, then we drove home to have a Indian take away yummy.. I had a great day out. I really enjoyed my time away with my family members and my friend I was out everyday and I felt bloody fantastic.. It could not have been a better week. all that stressing and being anxious for weeks before and I was tottaly fine.

Graham came home with kids with lots of hugs and kisses and gifts for me, I think they missed me a bit as they said it about 50 times haha aww bless, and I missed them loads too. They had a fantastic time away but will let Robert fill you in about that on his blog.
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My magic bag and OCD

It all started when my sister Kim gave me a new school bag as a present. It was a bright yellow Benetton duffle bag. I was very pleased as they were the rage at the time.

I put all my school books etc. into the bag ready for school the next day. This was probably the first time I had ever been organised for school with my bag packed. Having a new school bag even made me set my alarm clock 2 hours earlier than normal. Which was totally not me, as I normally jumped out of bed about 20 minutes before I had to leave to catch the school bus.

My alarm clock was very annoying and very loud. My parents had bought me it one Christmas, thinking it may be the the answer to me getting up for school on time. Boom Boom, get up! it shouts. Then, if you don't turn the alarm off, it gets even louder. BOOM BOOM time to get up!! You can see how annoying this is. But it didn't make the slightest difference in me getting out of bed.

This particular morning I did get up early. I had an extra two hours to get ready so I could look my best with my new bag. Maybe I should have bought a new bag everyday (lol). I had breakfast, a bath, did my hair and did my make-up. Looking good!! ;-)

I was so impressed that I was ready in time. I put my coat on and went out the front door to wait for my friend Leanne. I started to play hop scotch on the front path outside my door. Not exactly the coolest thing to be seen doing when you are 14. I got bored of hopscotch after 10 minutes. I decided to try and walk to Leanne's house by myself to surprise her that I was ready on time. I didn't tell my mum that I was going to try and walk there on my own. So I just shouted through the letter box goodbye. I put my bag on my shoulder and started to walk across the road and down the lane. I was totally fine. There was no feeling of fear or anything. I got to Leanne's house and rang the door bell. She came out with a very surprised smile and then we walked to the bus stop together.

After that day I started to notice that if I had this big bag on my shoulder I could walk on my own. I didn't feel light. I felt confident and in control. If I tried walking on my own without this bag I just felt all funny again. A smaller bag was no good. This made no sense to me at all and still doesn't now.

It felt great that I could walk on my own again to and from the bus stop. I have never been able to walk out my house without a big bag or a oversized handbag since. Plus it has to be a certain weight. This doesen't really bother me. As it doesn't affect me in the slightest. Until the day comes where I want to go swimming, I can't see it being a problem. It will have to change then as I would look rather odd in the pool with a handbag!

Anxiety at School

In my last post, I wrote about being scared walking to the bus stop. After this, my anxiety started to change my life.

I had a best friend at school called Leanne. She lived half way down the lane on the way to the bus stop. I told her about the way I was scared about walking to the school bus in the mornings. She was very sweet and told me that she would call for me so we could walk together. This made my anxious feelings lessen as I didn't have to worry about walking on my own and freaking out.

Every morning Leanne called for me and we walked to the bus stop together. If she was ill my mum would walk with me and when I got to the bus stop I was fine. Coming home from school I got off at a different bus stop and I felt fine walking home on my own. There were kids walking the same way so this made it easier. There came a time when this started to be a problem and I had the same strange feelings of fear, heart beating fast, and that terrible feeling that everything around you doesn't seem real. I really didn't understand what was happening to me. Why was I feeling this way? After this Leanne would walk home with me or else my mum would be waiting for me at the bus stop to take me home.

Anxiety started to take over how I was at school. Leanne started to walk me to my classes and then meet me when they had finished. I didn't feel anxiety in the classroom. It was just walking to and from classes on my own. When I was walking with people I just felt happy and content. It was like nothing bothered me. The only subjects at school my anxiety started to interfere with were PE and games. So playing tennis outside on the large courts would start to bother me. I felt light and scared. I dealt with this by playing on the court near the steps of the school and no one knew any different. I just looked like a normal 13 year old school girl. When we were in the main hall in the school, playing badminton or doing gymnastics, it was just the same. I had to try and stand nearer the exit. I didn't have to tell the teachers about these feelings as I seemed to be dealing with them enough to be able to carry on with the sport activities.

As the years went by the fear grew worse. I had to tell my teachers about the situation I was in. When playing in the hall I could only cope with some of the activities if I could stand near the exit of the hall. Some teachers got rather cross with me and just told me to get on with whatever the activity was but my fear was more scary than them!! So I would spend a lot of my PE lessons sat on the wooden cold bench on the side of the hall.

My concentration started to be affected in class by the fearful thoughts that would come like how am I going to be walking home? etc.

When I was 15 it was that most important year at school. The year I would do my GCSE'S. This made me even more anxious thinking I had to sit in the large hall having to spend two hours or so doing exams and not being able to escape. I was hoping I wouldn't have to sit in the middle of about 80 kids. I discussed this with my Mum as I was getting upset about it, so she phoned the school to discuss it further with the head master. They organised that I would be able to sit at the front of the hall each time I had an exam. So that was another thing I didn't have to worry about so much.

I got through the exams but only got D grades (C is considered by employers as a pass), so my future did not look that good.

It was time to start a new chapter in my life.

Hi, I'm Marie

Hi, I'm Marie.
I am 30 and I suffer from agoraphobia.. Hmm great I already gave myself a label. Some people maybe thinking oh god another anxiety freak!! she should just understand, it's all in her head and stop trying to get attention bla bla bla..

Well for one I do know it's all in my head, and sometimes I do feel like a total freak But a couple of questions that id like to know is.. how do I start thinking I am in control of my life, to tell those fearful thoughts to FUCKOFF!! quite a few of my therapists have said they are only thoughts! Yes they are but they control me, well I guess I let them as I don't want to find out if I can suffer any more anxiety and fear than I already do, I should just ignore them and Run..

I do run but from the fear not through it!!

OK lets try and make me start sounding like someone with a life hey :-)
I am married, to a man that I love so much it hurts, I really didn't think Id ever feel the way I do about him.. He is called Robert. Plus I never thought anyone could love me the way he does either,
I have been with him 9 years this coming march. And married 3 years this April 29th
We have 2 children together Joseph aged 7 and Orla aged 3.
Robert also has 5 other children from past relationships and also grandchildren, I must admit having been 21 and going out with a man about twice my age with 5 children and grandchildren was hard to deal with, plus I know it was extremely hard for his children to have their Dad to be dating someone half his age plus the fact she was agoraphobic. But after 9years his children /Grandchildren feel like family to me and I can truly say I love them to bits.

Before I met Robert I lived with my parents.. I also have two sisters Kim and Karen
They now have children.. both little boys which makes me an auntie. Yey :-)
The other people that are special to me are my Auntie Joan and Uncle Ray, they have got to be the best auntie and uncle in the world!! then there's My best friend Claire, we have been friends since I was 11 so we have shared a lot. I wouldn't swop her for anything.

And last of all my new friend Lynn that I have been friends for about 2 years now, She also suffers from agoraphobia she lives in Scotland so we live miles apart as I
live down south. We met through the internet randomly she had written a letter
about herself living with agoraphobia... so I replied!!
Probably the best email or letter I have ever written as it got me a friend that I never thought id get, she has been like an angel since.. and I love her to bits xx