Tomorrow my husband Robert and our 2 children are off to Disneyland Paris and as for me, I am off to my parents' house in Weymouth.

Am I upset that I am not going? Am I shitting myself about staying so far away from Robert for 6 days?

Yes to all the above

I am going to miss seeing those Disney gates with my children.. The ones that open and you enter into the most magical world!!

My Daughter Orla who is 3 she is going to see her most loved princess Cinderella. I'll be missing capturing one of the best photos I will ever take of her when she is still a little girl.

I asked Orla just then, What is she looking forward to the most about going to Disney Land?
She replied- I'm going to go and see Cinderella's Castle.
I asked her if she is sad about Mummy not going with her?
She replied with a hug and a whisper, I will miss you when you are at grandma's.

I asked Joseph the same questions.
He replied, I am looking forward to the rides especially the Runaway Train.
He said, I'll be sad because I'm going to miss mum going on the rides with me.

Same questions to Robert...
What he's most looking forward to is watching the kids having a good time. He's slightly excited about seeing Walt Disney Studios park for the 1st time (he's seen the Disneyland Park twice before).
He said that he always feels sad when something interesting is happening and he can't share it with me. He's sad that I am missing so much of my children's lives. Sometimes he feels lonely without me, even when there are lots of other people around. He will miss me most of all when he is in bed - without me...

My thoughts and feelings about staying at my parents' are-

Having a major panic attack and feeling it wont go away untill Robert gets on that train,boat or plane as fast as he can back to me. And other negative thoughts about me being taken in to hospital over the whole thing.

The good things about staying there will be me spending time with my Mum and Dad, them taking me out everyday. spending a day and evening with my best friend Claire, seeing my sister Kim and my nephew Sachin. Hee is 1 now, but soon will be 2. I may stay over at Kim's house one night, have a take-away and watch a DVD. Last of all, I'll have time to myself to hopefully think positive things, do lots of CBT homework and start on the Linden method. Charles is sending me another pack which will be arriving at my parents' by a courier on Monday. I used to have the Linden Method but as I didn't use it in the few years it was sitting on my bedroom floor. Eventually Robert threw it out.

So the best thing that could happen whilst staying at my parents' would be that I had no anxiety about Robert being away and I keep feeling confident.

There is no broadband at my parents' so I will have to use dial-up to keep in touch with everybody.

Honestly - I'm not looking forward to it at all.

MUST THINK POSITIVE
MUST THINK POSITIVE
MUST THINK POSITIVE

Moving Forward

After having three sessions with my hypnotherapist I'm actually feeling a 100% more positive than I was a few weeks ago. So to me thats Bloody Great!!

I am still listening to my hypnotherapy mp3 every single night and I am making myself walk outside about three or more times aday and I am gradualy walking a few more steps each day. A few weeks ago when I had been quite depressed and my anxiety just seemed through the roof it was hard even for me to go outside my house and think about walking a few steps. I know that last year when I got my puppy I was walking further than I am now but some how it went back and then I stopped trying. Now I am making sure I am walking everyday and I am starting to see the results.

Walking outside every day is one thing I have never tried since having suffered from agoraphobia, but now I can see the benefits of doing it. It gets easier to do each day and some of the area which was outside my safe zone is now inside my safe zone.

Another benefit of seeing my hypnotherapist every week is the incentive to actually have some progress to report each time I see him. If I only saw him once a month, I might be lazy and not try to improve a little every week. As well as this, he gives me some CBT to do each week.

He doesn't want me to talk negatively to him, and he's told me that when I get negative thoughts, I have to change my thinking to something positive. It doesn't have to be related to my negative thought, it can be anything - as long as it's positive. In this was I'm training myself to have less negative thoughts.

I'm trying to concentrate on what I can do, rather than what I can't do. I'm trying to think of this thing as a process rather than a "cure".

I feel more hopeful about progressing now than I have for a long time!

had two hypnotherapy/cbt sessions - Feeling more positive but sleeping untill 1pm

Here are a few things I'm doing diffrent thease days

1, I listen to my Hypnotherapy every night.

2, I walk the dog as far as I can each day a few times a day. which is probualy around 13-18 steps at the minute lol.. but hey im trying .

3, I drive my car to the shop across the road to get my dog a bone when he needs a new one.

4, I'm walking as far as I can in our shop every day.

5, Ive arranged to start Pilates.. meeting the lady on monday. she does home visits also, but I have chosen to go to a class in a hall.

6, I'm thinking about learning meditation

7, I am feeling better in the car now so dragging my husband out in the car when I can lol

8, starting to try and go to cafes and Restraunts

9, I have sciatica quite bad at the moment Ive had it for over two weeks now.

10. I am sleeping untill about 1pm each day.. so thats something I need to change not sure if the sciatica is anything to do with it as I am in quite abit of pain etc,

In the past a new therapy has always made me positive and motivated at the start and it normally goes down hill after a month or so.....

One thing I have done diffrently so far with this new therapy is that I am listening to the hypnotherapy each night and I am actually doing the homework each day. which actually I have never done in therapy. so for that I give myself a pat on the back.

actually I am rather pleased with myself at the moment for all the thing I have written above.
and for me sleeping in untill lunch time is rather shit I must admit and I am relying on my husband to get the kids ready for school. I'm hoping that I will able to have a routine of my own and start to become a proper mummy.