Tuesday, 31 March 2009

pushing things I can do

This weekend I stayed on my own at my friend lucys house which is about 2hrs away in Wales, we was chatting on msn on friday night and she asked what I was doing this weekend and I told her I had nothing planned so from there on we made random plans for me to go and stay the next day, Lucy also suffers from anxiety also her agoraphobia side isnt that bad but sometimes she can go on the train to her boyfriends house and then other days she can not cope with the train etc, so her brother met Robert and myself half way as Lucy was to anxious. she will come and stay with me soon sometime It depends how she is feeling at the time. I didn't get to take any photos this time as I forgot to take my camra biggest mistake but I have the memories which I will never forget.

This was a new thing for me to do to go and stay at a friends so far away without Robert or my family so I am very pleased with myself. I have lots of friends all over the uk and other countries I am going to push myself to go and stay with quite a few as I think it will build my confidence up.

I have other plans for this weekend too but wont tell you about that yet as that will be an amazing post :-)

Tuesday, 17 March 2009

My holiday at my parents house whilst my family went to Disneyland

The day I left to stay at my parents
I was packed and ready to go and stay with my parents in Dorset for 5 nights whilst my husband and our two children went to Disneyland in Paris.
I had been anxious about going to stay with my parents for a couple of months now. My husband is my no 1 safe person, I spend most of my time with him.
Staying at my parents house is like staying at a hotel as they have a 7 bedroom house with a large garden, not exactly a agoraphobics heaven cos of the long hallways etc. but with my mum's home cooked meals and being waited on hand and foot that would be a holiday for anyone.
My parents were going to meet me in Taunton, so Robert and the two children and I went in the car to Taunton where we met my parents. On the way to Taunton I started to cry as the anxiety became strong the more I thought about the what ifs, what if I had a panic attack at my parents house, what if I cant cope without Robert, what if I start screaming with panic etc. etc.. so my imagination ran wild and feeling positive was far from how I feeling. I knew that there was nothing I could do in order to change Roberts mind in going away to Disneyland, I didn't ask him not to go as I knew it was for my children. We said our good byes and Robert drove of and left me in my parents company.

We then had to travel to Weymouth in Dorset, It's about an hour and a bit from Taunton, I was quite calm in the car as I knew Robert wasn't leaving on the boat until 4am the next morning so I felt calm, On the way home my dad stopped at a village near Bridport called Pilsdon to show me where my great grandma and Grandad used to live, Its called Pilsdon mannor.

After a hour or two we arrived in Weymouth at my parents house. Took my bags to my room and started to settle in and watch TV. I didn't feel anxious at this time still knowing Robert was still in the UK and I knew he could drive to me within a hour or so if I panicked.
The thing that was making me anxious was about going to bed and knowing at 4am Robert would be on the ferry to France. This was the moment I was not looking forward to.
Come 9:30 I felt so tired I decided to go up to my room and start to read and write in my diary and to settle in for the night. Followed by my hypnotherapy mp3 that I listen to every evening.
Waking every hour to look at my mobile to see what time it was, was getting anxious about how I would feel when I woke up or if I was awak at 4am how would I feel?

Well I woke up and looked at my mobile to find that it was 5am so I knew Robert was on the ferry half way to France, I felt no anxiety about him being so far way which made me rather emotional as I was so scared about being away from him and I was totally fine. I rang Robert up about 9am and he was on the bus from his Disney hotel to go to the disney park with the kids.
I started crying on the phone as Joseph and Orla was really excited and I was not there to share that with them, And then Robert started to cry to so we said our goodbyes quick.. aww

One of the days whilst I was away My friend Claire took me out in her car we drove to the New forrest which is about 46 miles so it took just over an hour or so.. we went for lunch in a pub garden it was lush. whilst driving there we had to stop for a few ponys along the road.
here are some photo's from our day at the new forrest in Dorset.

The last photo of me with the Linden method book I was reading it whilst we were out and about
I take that book most places now I find it helps to read it when I feel anxious.
After the New forrest we drove around Bournmouth then to Sand banks in Poole the 2nd most exspensive place to buy a house in England here is a House I liked so thought id take a photo to show you.. This will be my next house hahaha yer I wish

After we went to poole park to feed the swans and ducks, then we drove home to have a Indian take away yummy.. I had a great day out. I really enjoyed my time away with my family members and my friend I was out everyday and I felt bloody fantastic.. It could not have been a better week. all that stressing and being anxious for weeks before and I was tottaly fine.

Graham came home with kids with lots of hugs and kisses and gifts for me, I think they missed me a bit as they said it about 50 times haha aww bless, and I missed them loads too. They had a fantastic time away but will let Robert fill you in about that on his blog.

Saturday, 7 March 2009

Tomorrow my husband Robert and our 2 children are off to Disneyland Paris and as for me, I am off to my parents' house in Weymouth.

Am I upset that I am not going? Am I shitting myself about staying so far away from Robert for 6 days? scuba diving in Australia

Yes to all the above forum smileys

I am going to miss seeing those Disney gates with my children.. The ones that open and you enter into the most magical world!!

My Daughter Orla who is 3 she is going to see her most loved princess Cinderella. I'll be missing capturing one of the best photos I will ever take of her when she is still a little girl.

I asked Orla just then, What is she looking forward to the most about going to Disney Land?
She replied- I'm going to go and see Cinderella's Castle.
I asked her if she is sad about Mummy not going with her?
She replied with a hug and a whisper, I will miss you when you are at grandma's.

I asked Joseph the same questions.
He replied, I am looking forward to the rides especially the Runaway Train.
He said, I'll be sad because I'm going to miss mum going on the rides with me.

Same questions to Robert...
What he's most looking forward to is watching the kids having a good time. He's slightly excited about seeing Walt Disney Studios park for the 1st time (he's seen the Disneyland Park twice before).
He said that he always feels sad when something interesting is happening and he can't share it with me. He's sad that I am missing so much of my children's lives. Sometimes he feels lonely without me, even when there are lots of other people around. He will miss me most of all when he is in bed - without me...

My thoughts and feelings about staying at my parents' are-

Having a major panic attack and feeling it wont go away untill Robert gets on that train,boat or plane as fast as he can back to me. And other negative thoughts about me being taken in to hospital over the whole thing.

The good things about staying there will be me spending time with my Mum and Dad, them taking me out everyday. spending a day and evening with my best friend Claire, seeing my sister Kim and my nephew Sachin. Hee is 1 now, but soon will be 2. I may stay over at Kim's house one night, have a take-away and watch a DVD. Last of all, I'll have time to myself to hopefully think positive things, do lots of CBT homework and start on the Linden method. Charles is sending me another pack which will be arriving at my parents' by a courier on Monday. I used to have the Linden Method but as I didn't use it in the few years it was sitting on my bedroom floor. Eventually Robert threw it out.

So the best thing that could happen whilst staying at my parents' would be that I had no anxiety about Robert being away and I keep feeling confident.

There is no broadband at my parents' so I will have to use dial-up to keep in touch with everybody.

Honestly - I'm not looking forward to it at all. scuba diving


Thursday, 5 March 2009

A post for Lynn

I am having one of those soppy moments and wanted to do a post to tell my friend Lynn that she is a great friend!! most of you will know lynn through reading her blog http://livingwithagoraphobia.blogspot.com/

I met Lynn online two years ago and untill This day we have spoke nearly everyday either online or on the phone. In the past two years I have shared everything with her and trust her with my heart.

Its good that we are both really positive most of the time. when I do have a really bad day and end up crying on the phone to her or asking for her support through a panic attack she is there.

When I have had a set back in the past with anxiety and having a few crap days etc, Lynn uses the magic saying You have been here before Kate and you know it passes.. Lynn is probualy the only person who actually can make me feel hopefull after a set back.
I am writing this post just to say thanks for being a great friend.

I actually never believed someone could have more than one best friend and now I do.

Moving Forward

After having three sessions with my hypnotherapist I'm actually feeling a 100% more positive than I was a few weeks ago. So to me thats Bloody Great!!

I am still listening to my hypnotherapy mp3 every single night and I am making myself walk outside about three or more times aday and I am gradualy walking a few more steps each day. A few weeks ago when I had been quite depressed and my anxiety just seemed through the roof it was hard even for me to go outside my house and think about walking a few steps. I know that last year when I got my puppy I was walking further than I am now but some how it went back and then I stopped trying. Now I am making sure I am walking everyday and I am starting to see the results.

Walking outside every day is one thing I have never tried since having suffered from agoraphobia, but now I can see the benefits of doing it. It gets easier to do each day and some of the area which was outside my safe zone is now inside my safe zone.

Another benefit of seeing my hypnotherapist every week is the incentive to actually have some progress to report each time I see him. If I only saw him once a month, I might be lazy and not try to improve a little every week. As well as this, he gives me some CBT to do each week.

He doesn't want me to talk negatively to him, and he's told me that when I get negative thoughts, I have to change my thinking to something positive. It doesn't have to be related to my negative thought, it can be anything - as long as it's positive. In this was I'm training myself to have less negative thoughts.

I'm trying to concentrate on what I can do, rather than what I can't do. I'm trying to think of this thing as a process rather than a "cure".

I feel more hopeful about progressing now than I have for a long time!